Not Ready to Adult Yet Read online

  Copyright

  HarperCollinsPublishers

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  First published by HarperCollins 2018

  FIRST EDITION

  © Iain Stirling 2018

  Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2018

  Cover photograph © Jay Brooks 2018

  A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

  Iain Stirling asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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  Source ISBN: 9780008288006

  Ebook Edition © August 2018 ISBN: 9780008288020

  Version: 2018-06-21

  Dedication

  To my mum Alison, my dad Rodger and my sister Kirsten. This book isn’t for you, it’s because of you. I love you.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ADULT

  INTRODUCTION

  I ONCE TOLD AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF

  CHAPTER 1

  BAD PARENTING

  Mollycoddled

  CHAPTER 2

  SCHOOLED

  ‘The Best Days of Your Life …’

  CHAPTER 3

  LIFE ON THE SMALL SCREEN

  The Years BW (Before Wi-fi )

  CHAPTER 4

  U OK HUN?

  The Power of Love … Island

  CHAPTER 5

  THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

  We’re All Fake Happy

  CHAPTER 6

  NINE TILL FIVE …

  What a Way to Make a Living (Apparently)

  CHAPTER 7

  SNOWFLAKES

  A Generation that Likes to (Political) Party Hard

  CHAPTER 8

  FEAR OF FAILURE

  Here Comes the Science Bit …

  CONCLUSION

  THE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH MOMENT

  A TREAT FOR THOSE WHO’VE SKIPPED TO THE BACK

  ‘The Millennial Circle’

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  About the Publisher

  adulting

  NOUN

  informal

  The practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks.

  However, the entire time you are carrying out said tasks you are uncomfortably aware that you have no idea what the hell you are doing, you will fuck it up and eventually be found out.

  ‘Fucking hell, this adulting is IMPOSSIBLE. How do I explain to my boss that I’m late for work because I dropped my phone in the toilet while watching a YouTube video and taking a shit?’

  WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN ADULT

  I’m constantly told by my parents, friends and my birth certificate that I’m an adult now, but what does that even mean? And why does it seem to be so insanely difficult? Following some in-depth research/googling I have ascertained that, generally speaking, the idea of being an adult is split into two camps, that of the ‘responsible adult’ and the ‘irresponsible adult’. These two definitions are as follows.

  Responsible adult: taking on the new-found responsibilities that come with being a grown-up, such as getting a job, buying a house and having children.

  Irresponsible adult: now the restrictions of childhood have been removed you can do or act however you want. For example, staying up as late as you like, drinking alcohol, spending your money as you choose.

  Whether ‘responsible’ or ‘irresponsible’, these actions carry with them that bizarre feeling of, ‘Wow, I’m being such an adult right now.’ I’ve listed a few of my favourite such moments that make you feel like a grown-up here:

  COOKING MEALS FROM SCRATCH

  GOING ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOUR PARENTS

  DRIVING, PARTICULARLY DURING A TRICKY PARALLEL PARK

  FIRST TIME YOU GO INTO YOUR OVERDRAFT (LOSES ITS ALLURE QUICKLY)

  REALISING YOU CAN EAT OUT EVEN IF IT ISN’T A SPECIAL OCCASION

  BEING IN THE SUPERMARKET AND REALISING YOU CAN BUY WHATEVER YOU LIKE

  DEFROSTING A FREEZER

  DRIVING THROUGH A CITY CENTRE AND BEING ABLE TO CONFIDENTLY STATE, ‘THAT USED TO BE A BLOCKBUSTERS’

  LIKING COLDPLAY

  BEING ABLE TO LEGALLY RENT A VAN

  BEING TOLD TO TURN THE VOLUME DOWN BY YOUR NEIGHBOURS RATHER THAN YOUR PARENTS

  IRONING YOUR FIRST SHIRT

  HAVING A NIGHT OUT THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE PRE-DRINKING

  THE FIRST TIME YOU REALISE YOU LIKE OLIVES

  HAVING A COFFEE INSTEAD OF A DESSERT

  HELPING YOUR PARENTS PICK UP SOMETHING THAT’S HEAVY

  WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY AND WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COOK YOU DINNER THEN REALISE THAT SOMEONE IS YOU

  MAKING PEOPLE TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF BEFORE COMING INTO YOUR HOUSE

  WHEN BANK HOLIDAYS BECOME A CHANCE TO CARRY OUT CHORES, NOT NURSE HANGOVERS

  INTRODUCTION

  I ONCE TOLD AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF

  A few years ago now I told an eight-year-old to go fuck himself. That moment was unintentional and clearly unfortunate, but it would go on to help me haul myself from a malaise I had found myself in for a number of years. Like many of life’s significant events, I was worryingly unaware of its importance, as is the case with the majority of life-changing moments: applying for a job, meeting the person who goes on to be your significant other or even buying that leather jacket that remains, to this day, a real staple in your wardrobe. It was just another moment like all the others; in fact, minutes before, I was sitting backstage at yet another gig, readying myself to perform to a new group of strangers like I do every night of the week.

  What was it then about that particular night that sticks so solidly in my psyche like an annoying bit of apple skin between teeth? The fact I swore in a child’s face certainly adds to the level of permanence afforded to that particular memory, but it’s not just the extreme embarrassment of the situation. Only last year I walked into a hotel room where a businessman was taking a shit, where I told him my full name and then left. Although that incident still haunts me today – and I’m assuming that businessman – it is this particular gig that always comes to me in my moments of solitude. In the shower, just before I go to bed, when I’m on a train with only a podcast and my own thoughts to keep me company. Boom! There it is. That little voice hidden in the depths of my mind pops in to quickly remind me of that evening.

  ‘Hello, Iain. Remember that time you told an eight-year-old to go fuck himself? You do? Oh good. Well, have a nice night.’

  I certainly could have been in a better place, being recently single, technically speaking ‘out of work’ (though financially buoyant) and, most crucially, unfulfilled. That’s the big one. You ever felt like that? Even though on the face of it life is good – your work is tolerable, bordering on enjoyable, your social life is filled with interesting and entertaining friends, and your family are as supportive and loving as ever – for some reason there is that niggling feeling deep down
in the depths of your soul that something’s not quite right, something’s missing. You feel like a selfish prick for even entertaining it; you have everything you’ve ever needed and so many people have made so many sacrifices so that you could have it, but ‘it’ isn’t enough and you can’t for the life of you work out why.

  What the fuck even is ‘it’ and why can’t I just have ‘it’? ‘It’ is like The X Factor of life satisfaction, but none of us seem to have the Simon Cowell-esque ability to identify it correctly; it always seems to narrowly pass us by. There is nothing you can do to help identify it more clearly – literally nothing. I even spent a month with my shirt unbuttoned offensively low and my trousers pulled embarrassingly high. It didn’t help – I just got funny looks.

  For years I was told by friends, family, school teachers, colleges and even social media that I was special and destined for great things. I’m fully aware that’s not unique to me, by the way. I’m sure you too have been awarded certificates at school and told how beautiful you are in Facebook comments, as we live in a world where praise is constantly heaped onto everyone. Despite this wall of positive encouragement, however, in the specific moment I swore at an eight-year-old, I just felt like another cog in the machine, another Starbucks-drinking, McDonald’s-munching face in the crowd.

  To some of you this lack of fulfilment will resonate; to others, however, it will sound ungrateful, an odd note on which to start a book. I’m fully aware that many of you will be reading this on your holidays: you’ve found a sun lounger, bought your fruity cocktail, taken the obligatory photo of your legs with the ocean as their beautiful backdrop and posted it online with the sole intention of mocking your friends who are currently dragging their sorry asses into the office for another torturous Monday. You’ve then opened this book and thought, ‘Fuck me, this Love Island prick’s a bit down in the dumps.’ Fear ye not, my ITV2-loving amigos, for this book is about optimism and ‘living your best life’, as is famously said by tedious people on Twitter – and now me, apparently. Not to mention the story of me telling that eight-year-old to go fuck himself is in fact a bloody doozy – so there is plenty to look forward to!

  WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

  Despite heavy reliance on my own personal experience – I mean, ‘myself’ is what I know best, the only thing I can truly call myself ‘an expert’ in – this book will not be an autobiographical romp through my life to date. I’ve not done enough stuff yet. You gotta think word count. I would really have to drag out that time I went caravanning with Pam and Bill in order to achieve anything other than pamphlet status. And no one wants to hear about that holiday. A boy called Craig chopped a wasp in half but otherwise it was largely uneventful.

  Instead I’ll talk about my generation – millennials. They’ve got loads of stories. They’ll know loads of Craigs. Craigs who’ll have done things other than demonstrate serial-killer tendencies during a long weekend in Moffat. The millennial was born between roughly 1981 and 2002, basically (although not exclusively) old enough to remember what they were up to during 9/11 but too old to grasp the notion of watching young lads with mad fringes playing the computer game Minecraft on YouTube. It’s a generation famed – should the copious BuzzFeed articles be believed – for failing to grow up, never being able to properly ‘adult’.

  That’s me, I’m like that, but why are we all perceived this way? If that’s also you then strap in. If it’s not then don’t you worry your non-millennial head. Most of the stuff I’m going to talk about here is universal and hopefully funny regardless of the digits you have etched onto your birth certificate. As well as talking about my generation, I will also talk to my generation, in a series of conversations with fellow millennials about their own personal journey through life, their hopes and fears, and the lessons they have learnt on their path to adulthood. A few of them have got well over a million followers on Instagram, so that will be bloody exciting.

  I hope that through the process of researching and writing about my generation I will better understand how we work, and as a result better understand myself. Why was that night I swore at a child such a pivotal point in my personal development? Why does that precious ‘it’ always manage to slip me by no matter how much luck is thrown my way? And, believe me, luck is what we all have in abundance, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. You are lucky. You’re reading this book, which means you’re most likely from a first-world country, one of those that allows freedom of speech and has sufficient educational facilities to make literacy the norm, and you even have enough expendable income to be able to buy this in the first place – unless you’ve nicked it, of course. We’re bloody lucky and privileged and all the rest, yet sometimes it doesn’t feel enough. Why? What are we so scared of?

  FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

  That night stays with me to this day for the simple reason that it was the first time in my short lifespan that one of my biggest fears became a reality – a fear all millennials share when it comes to life: the fear of doing it wrong. Fucking up. Becoming an adult is scary and easy to get wrong, so this fear of fucking it up hangs over us like a rain cloud hangs over a cartoon character having a bad day. University costs a fortune, reality-TV stars are millionaires by the age of 21 and everyone on social media seems to be smashing life (as well as avocados). So if you take a wrong turn at any point, well, why did you even bother? Success has changed from a marathon to a sprint and the starting line is very much over-capacity. You’d better make it to the finish and you’d better do it quick! I mean, who wants success in their fifties? You can’t even look good in the photos.

  The really weird thing is that for years failure was seen as a necessary rite of passage to success. Like many of you reading this I can often find myself deep in a late-night YouTube hole. And when I’m properly stuck down there, one of my most common places of solace, after blackheads being popped and kittens performing on musical instruments, is the inspirational talk, normally a celebrity collecting an honorary degree with a rolled-up certificate in one hand, a funny hat on his or her head and some inspirational music in the background, which I do hope was added in after. I mean, surely even the most wet-behind-the-ears graduate would realise the ridiculous levels of self-importance attached to bringing your own Enya CD to a university speech. Anyway, the point is that during these talks failure is hyped up beyond belief, fetishised to the young people in the slightly less funny hats who look up in awe.

  These stories begin in various ways: ‘I didn’t land my first proper acting job until I was 40,’ ‘I had several failed companies before making my millions aged 55,’ ‘I sawed my own arm off with a penknife.’ Yet despite the severity and diversity of the challenges our speakers have faced, they always end the same … ‘But look at me now.’ You don’t get much more adult than that! Standing in front of an audience being open and frank about all your failings but still managing to have achieved something special – now that is good-quality adulting.

  Failure today, however, simply isn’t an option. You must succeed young, without any periods spent on the dole and ideally with all your limbs still attached. Failure to meet this new-found desire to succeed quickly leaves us in a constant state of flux, doubting our every decision. It still blows my mind when I’m watching some reality TV show and I see a 14-year-old being interviewed backstage saying something like ‘I’ve been working my whole life for this’ or ‘This is my one shot.’ I feel like grabbing them and screaming, ‘There’s no rush – when I was 14 I was sitting in a caravan watching someone chop a wasp in half!’

  Despite the knowledge that time is on my side I have those moments of doubt every day; sometimes it’s a light murmur under the surface and other times it’s debilitating in its severity, but it’s always there. The feeling that I’m not good enough, I’ve not achieved enough, I’m not happy enough, that’s not good enough, they’re not good enough, I’m not thin enough, my photos don’t get liked enough, my job isn’t impressive enough, I don’t earn enough an
d so on. It will continue, I imagine, until death. Sweet, blissful death. And even then I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh Christ, I’ve only gone and died – this is embarrassing.’

  As depressing as it may sound, these worries are necessary for our journey into adulthood. Without a fear of failure or a desire to achieve we would all just coast along, never really achieving anything. We’ve all got that mate who’s seemingly happy all the time. Who wants to be like them? They’re creepy – constantly smiling, never hungover, big fan of their boss, constantly eating ‘superfoods’. Get in the bin. I’d rather be in a Wetherspoons chatting to my equally hungover friend Karen about how Jim from accounts is a fucking prick, his eyes are too close together, I hate those ‘wacky ties he wears’ and ‘correctomundo’ isn’t an actual word, it’s a waste of oxygen.

  Young people today seem to fail to realise how young they actually are. If you are under the age of 25 you have no fucking clue how many bites at the cherry you actually might have. Fuck up a bit. It’s really important. Fuck up. Hell, if you’re reading this on a bus, punch the person sitting next to you. You could go to jail for two years, get out and still be eligible for a young person’s railcard. You are so young. Yet despite this knowledge of our youth, a fear of failing is what seems to pin our generation down. Anyway, enough waffle, let’s get started. Here we go – an adult man who once feared failure, avoided it at all costs, will now retell each and every failure he’s ever had to you, the reader, so you can realise that maybe failure isn’t all that bad.

  CHAPTER 1

  BAD PARENTING

  Mollycoddled

  When you watch as much Love Island as I’m contractually required to do, you really do start to become enthralled by every single minute of it. Don’t get me wrong, there are downsides. I mean, essentially I am paid to sit in a small booth while a bunch of young people go into a villa and, well, fuck each other, and then I … watch. For ages. For too long, you might even say. That’s how I pay my mortgage. Worse still, my parents have seen to it that my overly supportive millennial upbringing didn’t end at the point I left home for London to become a stand-up – not a chance. My parents still keep every cutting, record every show and retweet every bit of praise I receive on their own custom-made Twitter accounts, or ‘Iain Shrines’ as they hate that I call them. My dad’s account is the very cleverly named MySonDoesJokes – give him a follow, he’d bloody love that. My sister is a bit angry about it, but MyDaughterDoesMediaManagement doesn’t quite have the same ring.